I am STILL a Fat Ass

Yes, Yes....I am STILL a Fat Ass...finally got on a scale last week and surprise surprise, I gained 15 lbs since May. Not to mention I was already 25 lbs overweight. My muffin top is officially bigger than my boobs. *gasp* *holds hand to forehead* *faints* 


Nothing, and I mean NOTHING fits me anymore. As of last week, I was down to one pair of jeans, two moo moo skirts, and sweatpants *ick*...Unfortunately my jeans could not take the extra poundage and committed suicide....yes, suicide....they are no longer wearable in any country....As for my moo moo skirt, the wash ate it. The elastic came apart....maybe it paid the washer to kill it, who knows.....So I am down to one moo-moo skirt (which makes me look Amish) and the dreaded sweat pants....*hangs head in shame*


Desperate times call for desperate measures.....Yes, I'm about to say it, the D-word. I am on a DIET..........   :(
No bread (it will officially be called 'Osama Bread Laden' from now on), no pasta, and no soda-NOOOOOOOOOO you evil woman!!!!! *shakes fists in the air* Also, no Dunkin Donuts coffee, Starbucks, no foods listed "diet", no fat free, no pre-packaged food, or fast food. *sighs*


Soooooooo what am I eating??  Water, fresh fruits, vegetables, chicken, fish, nuts, greek yogurt, low sodium foods, making all my meals, etc. etc. All the crap you know you must do but don't-Ugh!  I'm also tracking my meals and calorie intake-so sad :(  


But one thing I will not give up is my morning coffee! I refuse!!! Hell to the no!!!!!! Buuuuuuuuuuutttttttt, I did modify it....instead of 2 TBSP of creamer, I am using 1 and instead 3 TBSP of sugar (don't judge me), I am using 1 tsp....It has taken some getting used to...*sticks tongue out*


I've also started exercising. Got myself a trainer...my hubby. You know how men always seem to have the answers, you should do this, you never listen to me blah blah blah....well I'm making him put his money where his mouth is. I have to say he is pretty good, he keeps me motivated, and the best part is I get to punch him in the face when we box. 


My goal is to lose the 15 I gained, plus another 25, a grand total of 40. My mom seems to think that is too much...she believes at a certain age a woman has to choose between her ass and her face...I'm choosing my face so we will see what the grand total will be.....


*UPDATE* I have lost 5 lbs so far!!! Yeah me! 




XOXO


The Brainless Housewife 

Didn't I just feed you?!?!?

This is a glimpse of what happened this summer and now on the weekends:


My day begins by my eye pried open by a little person (A) asking, "Mommy, can I have some waffles, I am reaaaaaaaalllllly hungry!!!!" Then a few minutes later, a bigger little person (B) says, "Mommy can I have an egg sandwich, I am reaaaaaaaalllllly hungry!!!!" Ugh, feeding time at the zoo has begun.....


An hour later: "Mommy can I have some toast, cinnamon toast crunch, grapes, a snaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkk????" I'm like, "Didn't I just feed you?!?!?"


Another hour later, " Can I have goldfish, a granola bar, a go-gurt, bagel, an apple, a snaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkk????" Ugh, didn't I just feed you?!?!? I haven't even eaten breakfast yet!


So when I think they are fed enough, we can venture out in the world. As soon as I pull out I hear, "Mooooommmmmmy, we didn't have lunch!!!!" OMG, this can't be happening.


I have resorted to carrying a cooler with me filled with drinks and healthy snacks because all they do is eat and drink.....seriously.....didn't I just feed you?!?!?


Then I finish my errands, get them lunch, think they are satisified then I hear, "Mommmmmmmyyyyyy, can I have a snaaaaaaaacccccckkkkkk????" Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!!!! Didn't I just feed you?!?!?


Then dinnertime rolls around. I make sure they are starving  by the time we sit down, especially when it is something they don't like. "A" horks it down like it is the last meal, and "B" starts his negotiations, "This is not my favorite flavor, I really wanted....." I give him the look of death. He reconsiders and starts eating. Smart boy.


Finally bedtime, Aaaaaaaah, the natives are down for the count.....or so I think. "Mommmmmmmmyyyy, can I have some water, I'm a little hungry, I think I can go for some toast" OMGeezy, Didn't I just feed you?!?!?


My question is if its like this now, what will it be like when they are teenagers? Lord help me......




XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Back from Hiatus

Hey everyone, I'm back from hiatus. It's been almost two months. My father in law passed away in August after a long illness. We all knew he was sick, doctors had told us to prepare for the worst, but you are never prepared. 


I have learned so much in the last two months, two I'd like to share with you: 

 "You can't take it with you". Whether its money, possessions, clothes, cute shoes etc. When we die we take nothing with us. We leave behind our love and memories. My father in law was such a generous man to everyone he met. He knew he couldn't take it with him. 

 "Give people the flowers while they can still smell them".  Spend time with your extended family, your parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews. I know life is crazy, it gets in the way, and we don't always make those family functions and reunions. We think, "Next month, next year" but it may never come.  

Death changes a family, its dynamic. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Luckily in our case, it is for the better. My father in law may be gone, but how he lived his life and the lessons he taught us will be with us forever. 

XOXO

The Brainless Housewife :P

Its official, I am Fat Ass

I just finished reading "TaILs" of Motherhood blog post (she is hilarious- check her out) about weight gain and weight loss. As I read it I kept thinking, "I feel your pain, I know your pain, I live your pain because I am a fat ass!!!"


You may be thinking I am being harsh calling myself this...but I know I'm a fat ass because nothing fits, not even my fat clothes...nothing! I went bathing suit shopping recently because my bottom from last year wouldn't even go past my thighs. All of the bathing suit bottoms I tried on cried....CRIED!  I have a gut like I'm 4 months pregnant! I got rolls in different area codes! I refuse to buy clothes a bigger size because I'm cheap, sue me!


I know weight loss is all about math: burn off more than you take in. Well I'm failing that equation! Come to think of it, I was never good at math anyway... 


"Why don't you go on a diet?", you may ask. I can not diet. CAN NOT with a capital C, Bold and Underlined! I stick to it for about a week then I snap like a twig. Before you know it I'm scarfing down Ho-Hos in the supermarket like some rabid beast....I don't even like Ho-Hos!!! Not to mention I love love love Pepsi. I love Pepsi more than chocolate. I love it like Jacob loves Bella (yeah, I said it) LOVE LOVE LOVE! But that's another post for a later date. 


"Why don't you exercise?", you may ask. Well I'll tell you: I started the spring all gung ho about exercise. I started doing the Jillian Michaels DVDs and Zumba DVDs. Then tragedy struck: my heel spurs started acting up to the point of calling the waaaaaaambulance! Went to the podiatrist and not only do I have heel spurs in both feet, but its so bad I am borderline surgery. So no more working out and I have to walk around with medical Crocs until I get my orthodics- attractive, huh?

The truth is I am a glutton...a glutton for punishment. I have no idea how much weight I gained because my boys broke my scale jumping on it-which is, like Martha would say, "A Good Thing".

So, I have convinced myself that summer is not the time to lose weight..how can you? All the BBQs, summer drinks, and dessert goodies....Ack!! The reality is the best seasons to lose weight is fall and spring. Why may you ask? Because fall is for shedding your summer weight and spring is for shedding your holiday weight. So, my plan is when the kids go back to school (September 6 can't come soon enough), I will go to the gym for 2 hours a day (providing I have my orthodics by then) and workout. I hear the elliptical calling my name!!!!!


Until then, No going psycho. No food journals. No crash diets. I'm embracing being a fat ass and I'm going to enjoy every lobster roll I can get my mouth around on our trip to Maine next week.


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P


P.S. I don't buy Pepsi anymore or drink it outside because I know its bad for my health, all the sugar, additives, blah blah blah, but I love it from afar. LOVE......

Liars Anonymous....

I recently read a blog post at Life as Bobbi titled "Too Much Information?" and she posed the question about being honest with your children about your past and other situations: To lie or not to lie, that is the question.


I don't know about you but I'm a liar....a big one.....I belong in Liars Anonymous. I will lie to chidren until they are 50. My boys like to ask questions....lots of them. Sometimes I feel like I live with Peter Jennings and Walter Cronkite. I have neither the strength or patience to explain my past choices or why things were the way they were. The other day my son asked why do people smoke....then it was followed by don't they know its bad for them, where do they make cigarettes, do all people die from smoking, have you ever smoked, have you known anyone who has smoked, etc etc....you get the idea......


Don't don't get me wrong, I don't make crazy stories up. I lie with one word answers or key phrases like "No, Nope, Never, Sure, Ok, I never did that as a kid, I don't know, What are you talking about," etc etc. My mom used to lie to me, I will lie to my kids. So sue me!


Maybe when they are older and have stopped firing questions at me like a prosecution attorney, I will tell the truth. But until then they do not need to know about my wild teenage years, early 20's, what Daddy and I did on our trips to Cancun, Vegas, etc etc.


But until that happens I will continue to lie...so therefore I'm a liar....a big one.....


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Procrastination- the world's worst scent

Name: The Brainless Housewife

Age: Mid 30's

Problem: PROCRASTINATION WITH THE CAPITAL P

I am a procrastinator, always have been, always will be.  I am a procrastinator...a big one. I start out with the best intentions. I always say to myself, "not this time, we are going to plan accordingly, no craziness, no frenzy" and it never works. I must be addicted to the thrill. The thrill of seeing how much I can clean, cook, prepare, etc. etc. in one hour before company arrives or we have to be somewhere. 

Now don't get me wrong, I don't have procrastination issues when it comes to my children: schoolwork, being on time to school, and other activities. If anything, I am adamant that they do things on time and always be early. I don't want to leave them this "procrastination" legacy. It seems that I can't get it together when it comes to me, myself, and I. As I write this I'm procrastinating on my laundry, housework, organizing my mudroom, putting away winter clothes, etc. etc. 

Distraction + Procrastination = Frenzied Brainless Housewife

They should have a procrastination rehab for those of us with this problem. It could be taught by someone who is super organized. Maybe I could kick this problem once and for all! Ah Hell, who am I kidding?? I'd probably get there late! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!




XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Grateful

Grateful is the word of the day, word of the week, the word of my life. I am grateful. Grateful for my children, my family, and our safety. Friday we were involved in a car accident. Thankfully we are safe and the other driver is safe as well. I am grateful that we walked away with our health and our lives. My kids are my life. They are sweet, smart, lovable, and drive me crazy at times, but they are all mine. I can't imagine a day without them. Sometimes it takes an event like this to make you appreciate everyone and everything you have. 


So I am grateful.....always.


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

5 things for my DH to follow

Oh DH, this list is for you. I never thought I could love someone so much that pisses me off on a regular basis. If you are willing to follow these 5 things, you just might do the impossible-have a happy wife!


1. Do the dishes every once in a while, (weekly would be nice) not just washing what you need for whatever concoction you are making at the moment (that I will eventually have to clean up).


2. Stop pretending you don't see the mess "your children" have made in living room, bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, etc.


3. Trying being on my side once in a while. Being the good guy is not all its cracked up to be. It would be nice if they disliked us equally.


4. When you say, "You want to see a better way to do that or I do it like this or You really like this?" in regards to my cooking, child rearing, driving, shows I watch, etc. I take it as criticism. When you criticize, it pisses me off. When I get pissed off, I don't feel sexy. And when I don't feel sexy, I won't respond to your 3 am poke....yeah I said it.


5. Just do what I say and learn to read my mind. This whole explaining what I want and how I want is EXHAUSTING!!!! Are you new? We've been together more than a decade! Get with the program!




XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Beware of the insult disguised as a compliment

Recently, I had a family gathering at my house and an older cousin (my Godmother's sister who is visiting) came over. It had been three years and I was so excited to see her. But the excitement was short lived....


After we sat down on the patio we talked and talked. She admired how much the kids had grown and complimented my home. Then she started to compliment me...well sort of:

"You lost so much weight (which I haven't), You look great! Because the last time I saw you, {Wait For It} You were so FAT! I would just look at you and say to myself, She is so fat! She will never lost that weight!" 

Can someone give me an O, M, and G??? My mouth fell open....then she preceded to say it at least five more times in different ways like,

 "Your butt is big but not as big as the last time I saw you, it was huge!" 

And my personal favorite, 

"If you start walking you can finish trimming down that muffin top, but you've done a good job so far because the last time I saw you it looked like you were pregnant"

I couldn't respond, I just sat there thinking, "Is she drunk? High? Crazy?" Before I could begin to form words, my Godmother stepped in and said, 

"She is beautiful, always has been. Her body is beautiful, and besides you are just jealous cause she looks like me!" 

My older cousin replied with, 

"And did she come out modest like you too?" 

LMAO! I excused myself from the sibling war of words and served myself a pina colada and added lots of rum....Lots....

So what do you do when you are presented with an compliment that is disguised as an insult? Do you respond? Stay quiet? Or serve yourself a really big drink?


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Panic at the Suburban Mall!

Panic on the streets of London, Panic on the streets of Birmingham....I just love The Smiths, however if I had the chance I'd add the line to "Panic at the suburban mall" I took my kids to see Cars 2 on opening day. It was the first showing, got there early, what could go wrong?? 


Well first of all, the theater was filthy...I mean like last showing filthy. I was freaking out thinking of all the bed bugs, lice, and other germs we could contract. I wanted to leave so bad ...but my kids would have had the grand puba of all meltdowns. Second of all, everyone and their mother showed up, there was not a seat left. With the filth and all the people, I felt the walls closing in on me. Third of all, after asking my minions (that is my boys new names) a billion times if they had to go to the bathroom, they both decide in the middle of the movie they just HAD to pee. UGH!

I can't even tell you what the movie was about because between the potty breaks and worrying if we contracted lice, bed bugs, or some infectious disease, I did not pay attention. The movie was finally over and as we left the theater (which is in the middle of the town mall) I was in shock. There were so many people it looked like Black Friday or the day before Christmas Eve. I was totally not prepared for this. As I tried to navigate through the crowd I held my kids hands tighter and tighter. I felt panic setting in-chest pounding, dizziness, sweating, the works. They had no idea how freaked out I was because when we got home I let them play the Wii so I could recuperate. 

So what did I learn from all this? Never see a movie on opening day, always carry a plastic tarp, and always park closest to the exit. 


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

School is out for summer and so is my sanity!!!!

As of Thursday, June 23 at approximately 11:30 am, summer vacation had begun and so did the end of my sanity. Two kids + rainy days + summer vacation = Mommy screaming, "Calgon take me away!!!!" They have had me in such a frenzy that I haven't been able to blog...Stop the INSANITY!!!!!


The constant fighting, arguing, screaming, yelling, teasing, and farting games has me at the brink. Boys are wild, crazy, and impulsive. They don't listen, they get an idea in their head and go for it. It seems like all I do is say (scream), "No, Stop that, Sit down, Leave your brother alone, Why did you hit him, Don't fart on him", etc. etc. By the end of the night I'm exhausted. Not to mention the tons of guilt I feel for being "so mean" which I happen to wash down with lots of clear liquid and cheesecake.


Hopefully we will get into a better routine and I won't have to go to the asylum...not just yet anyway. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel....I just received Toys R Us Back to School catalog! LOL!




XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Friendly's...the friendly place???

At my local Friendly's on Wednesdays kids eat for 1.99 with an adult meal. It seems like a great deal, but this deal comes at your own risk of losing the little sanity you have left. It is TORTURE with a capital T. Once you are seated it begins from every corner of the restaurant..."Stop it, eat your food, we don't spit, sit and finish, if you don't finish we are not coming back, do not eat like a dog, get off the floor, Moooooooommmm he's not sharing his fries, leave him alone, eat your own food, behave yourself, get back here!!" It is official, I'm in the ninth canto of hell. 


My kids start to act up and I give them the look of death. They stop immediately because they know I will get up and leave (I've done it before). But you can't blame them for trying-the whole restaurant is in chaos! I sit there and think, "I'm a glutton for punishment! Calgon take me away!!!" Then I see people come in with no kids and I think to myself, "Are you crazy or love to be tortured? The ice cream is not that good, is it?!?"

And then the happy ending, the sundae is served. SILENCE...the kids are quiet and I have a moment of peace before the sugar kicks in. There it is....this is why I keep coming back...the silence...its almost worth the tears, screaming, and tantrums.....Almost!


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Hi, I'm a Nail Polish Addict

Name: The Brainless Housewife

Age: Mid 30's

Addiction: Coffee (that's a given I have children!) and Nail polish

In this stage of my life, I have become a nail polish addict. Ages ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth, B.C. (Before Children) I used to get my nails done weekly. I loved having them polished and beautiful. However, after I had children my nails took a back seat...all the way back to the end of the 5000 ft long trailer. 


But this spring something amazing happened. I was on youtube and on the side there was a link to a nail tutorial. I clicked and was amazed. I combed over all the videos and my absolute favorite channel was "My Simple Little Pleasures" http://www.youtube.com/user/SimpleLittlePleasues (I follow her blog too) who shows how to do water marbling and nail design. From just one click, my nails have not been the same since.


I started doing my own manicures and pedicures (I won't go to the salon, I'm a total germaphobe). Instead of zoning out on HGTV at night, I paint my nails two hours before I go to sleep. I even have a small nail polish collection. But since I have champagne tastes on a Schaefer beer budget, most of my nail polishes are the drug store brand bought on sale.  I refuse to spend more than three bucks for a bottle-yes, I know I'm cheap! 


So, I may need to have my hair done (its been months), have a muffin top, need new clothes, and generally look like a hot mess some days, but rest assured my nails will always looks nice.


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P


P.S. I will not be posting any pics of my nails like other blogs because no one needs to see my dishpan hands!

The Clean Mini-Van: Suburban Myth?

Recently a friend of mine got a brand spanking new 2011 mini-van. I oooed and aaahed at all the new features, the plush leather seats, the big DVD screen, the navigation system and the brand new car smell. As I kept inhaling the lovely newness I realized what I loved most was how clean it was. It was as if angels came down and cleaned it every night. As I went to my van I realized how dirty and dusty it was. I saw all the food and stains in the carpet. I could literally make a meal with what was on my van floor.


So this weekend my husband and I cleaned it. I was absolutely disgusted. We took out the carpets, vacuumed, scrubbed, wiped all the stains, crumbs, and gook..and when I say "we" I mean my husband with me supervising. Of all the little treasures I found: glitter, goldfish, Capri Sun wrappers (I could make a dress with those), petrified raisins, plastic bubble eyes, Cheerios (General Mills should cut me a check),  the best was a size three pamper I found in the third row pocket. It brought a tear to my eye to remember all the changes my family has been through the last five years. All the pampers I changed in that third row are now a distant memory. Awwww, they grow so fast.....


But with that being said, I read my kids the riot act after the van was done: "You see how clean this van is? We are going to keep it that way! There will be no eating, no drinking, no chewing, no thinking of food, you drop it-pick it up, etc etc.."  Cut to forty eight hours later and my van is still sparkling minus the potato chip crumbs because little people (who shall remain nameless) were starving.....


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!

As summer vacation approaches, only one phrase comes to mind from the famous boxing announcer Michael Buffer, "Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!!!!!"  My boys + 24 hrs a day = Give that back! Get off me! You cheated!! Leave me alone! Mommy, he hit me!!!!"


I decided not to send them to day camp this summer. I had these wonderful visions of us relaxing by the pool, going to the library, and taking day trips to the museum and beach. (I also wanted to save money). But now reality is setting in and I am facing the fact that I have two energetic boys who are busy busy busy.  I have thought of creating a "schedule" like they have in school to keep them entertained. I fear that I lack the energy and patience to keep up with them. I wish I was more laid back and organized and less hyper and disorganized. I wish I was "that Mom", the one we all aspire to be.


So as of Friday, summer vacation will be officially underway. I know there will be a lot of screaming and crying (not only from me) but I also know there will be a lot of laughter and smiles. This will be the summer of them being 7 and 5, a summer to remember. However with all those nice things being said, I know I will be the one of those "excited" parents to be shopping for school supplies come August.


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

Graduation

My youngest graduates from preschool tomorrow. He says to me, "I'm ready to go to kindergarten now!" This graduation is bittersweet for me. My baby is off to big school. No more half days and no more special time with just me and him. As I drove him to school today I realized it was the last time I would be doing so. The last time we would take the 5 mile trip singing his favorite songs. He seems to have grown up so much from September, capable of doing more things for himself. 


I also feel like I'm graduating too. I'm off to big school. This preschool has been an anchor, a home base for my children and I the last four years. Friends I have made, women I have come to know and see everyday, I will see no more. Like every graduation, people promise to K.I.T. and the ever popular "we have to get together over the summer". But life gets in the way, and the old adage of "Out of sight, Out of Mind" applies. I'm guilty of it, we all are. 


So as I walk the halls tomorrow for the last time I must not be sad. I must take a cue from my son and be excited for the next adventure. He seems to know best. 


XOXO


The Brainless Housewife :P

I don't like you Mommy!!!!

I don't like you Mommy! That's what my four year old screams at me while he's pointing his little finger. I pause which feels like an eternity....thoughts rush through my mind...should I put him in time out? Scream back? Do what my mother or grandmother would have done??


No, I can't...I'm trying to raise my kids differently, I've read all the books, seen all the shows, I know not to be offended or hurt...but this is my baby...my youngest, my quiet child....I can't help but feel hurt....however my little drill sergeant voice snaps me back into reality...Get on your feet Soldier!


So I look my four year old in the eye, get down on his eye level (learned that from Supernanny), and in a calm voice say, "You don't like me? Good, I prefer it that way, now go sit on your bed" His eyes widen and my seven year old says, "Whoa!" He goes to his room and after 4 minutes and 50 seconds (he's going to be five at the end of the month), I go into his room and explain why he's in there and etc etc. He apologizes, gives me a big hug, and off he goes....Crisis ended.


I just think to myself if I solved the problem...will he ever say that to me again? Did I make an impression? Will this be labeled as one of my bad parenting moments? I'll only find out years from now over a family dinner when my boys are reminiscing about their childhood, laughing, saying, "Remember the time Mom..."


Ahhh, the adventures of Motherhood!


XOXO
The Brainless Housewife :P

The Brainless Housewife?!?

About a year ago a friend of mine who is a former H.W. (Housewife) said, "I'm so stressed at work, I wish I could go back to being a brainless housewife". Instead of being offended, I laughed and thought "What a great name!" since I am anything but. 


The name is especially fitting since my youngest will be going to kindergarten in September and I am being asked the question...WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO WORK??? I would love to respond, "As if I don't already work...as if I'm a Brainless Housewife?!?"

Someone once told me that being a Mother is a thankless job. It is so true. Its the hardest job ever created. I love my kids and they drive me nuts sometimes but I'm blessed to be their Mom! What I love most about motherhood is just when you think you have it all figured out: life throws you a curve ball and its back to the drawing board!

I hope to share a lot of things. From kids stuff, books, beauty, music, great finds and great deals. Thanks for reading! 


XOXO
The Brainless Housewife :P