Thursday, July 28, 2011

Its official, I am Fat Ass

I just finished reading "TaILs" of Motherhood blog post (she is hilarious- check her out) about weight gain and weight loss. As I read it I kept thinking, "I feel your pain, I know your pain, I live your pain because I am a fat ass!!!"

You may be thinking I am being harsh calling myself this...but I know I'm a fat ass because nothing fits, not even my fat clothes...nothing! I went bathing suit shopping recently because my bottom from last year wouldn't even go past my thighs. All of the bathing suit bottoms I tried on cried....CRIED!  I have a gut like I'm 4 months pregnant! I got rolls in different area codes! I refuse to buy clothes a bigger size because I'm cheap, sue me!

I know weight loss is all about math: burn off more than you take in. Well I'm failing that equation! Come to think of it, I was never good at math anyway... 

"Why don't you go on a diet?", you may ask. I can not diet. CAN NOT with a capital C, Bold and Underlined! I stick to it for about a week then I snap like a twig. Before you know it I'm scarfing down Ho-Hos in the supermarket like some rabid beast....I don't even like Ho-Hos!!! Not to mention I love love love Pepsi. I love Pepsi more than chocolate. I love it like Jacob loves Bella (yeah, I said it) LOVE LOVE LOVE! But that's another post for a later date. 

"Why don't you exercise?", you may ask. Well I'll tell you: I started the spring all gung ho about exercise. I started doing the Jillian Michaels DVDs and Zumba DVDs. Then tragedy struck: my heel spurs started acting up to the point of calling the waaaaaaambulance! Went to the podiatrist and not only do I have heel spurs in both feet, but its so bad I am borderline surgery. So no more working out and I have to walk around with medical Crocs until I get my orthodics- attractive, huh?

The truth is I am a glutton...a glutton for punishment. I have no idea how much weight I gained because my boys broke my scale jumping on it-which is, like Martha would say, "A Good Thing".

So, I have convinced myself that summer is not the time to lose can you? All the BBQs, summer drinks, and dessert goodies....Ack!! The reality is the best seasons to lose weight is fall and spring. Why may you ask? Because fall is for shedding your summer weight and spring is for shedding your holiday weight. So, my plan is when the kids go back to school (September 6 can't come soon enough), I will go to the gym for 2 hours a day (providing I have my orthodics by then) and workout. I hear the elliptical calling my name!!!!!

Until then, No going psycho. No food journals. No crash diets. I'm embracing being a fat ass and I'm going to enjoy every lobster roll I can get my mouth around on our trip to Maine next week.


The Brainless Housewife :P

P.S. I don't buy Pepsi anymore or drink it outside because I know its bad for my health, all the sugar, additives, blah blah blah, but I love it from afar. LOVE......

Monday, July 25, 2011

Liars Anonymous....

I recently read a blog post at Life as Bobbi titled "Too Much Information?" and she posed the question about being honest with your children about your past and other situations: To lie or not to lie, that is the question.

I don't know about you but I'm a liar....a big one.....I belong in Liars Anonymous. I will lie to chidren until they are 50. My boys like to ask questions....lots of them. Sometimes I feel like I live with Peter Jennings and Walter Cronkite. I have neither the strength or patience to explain my past choices or why things were the way they were. The other day my son asked why do people smoke....then it was followed by don't they know its bad for them, where do they make cigarettes, do all people die from smoking, have you ever smoked, have you known anyone who has smoked, etc get the idea......

Don't don't get me wrong, I don't make crazy stories up. I lie with one word answers or key phrases like "No, Nope, Never, Sure, Ok, I never did that as a kid, I don't know, What are you talking about," etc etc. My mom used to lie to me, I will lie to my kids. So sue me!

Maybe when they are older and have stopped firing questions at me like a prosecution attorney, I will tell the truth. But until then they do not need to know about my wild teenage years, early 20's, what Daddy and I did on our trips to Cancun, Vegas, etc etc.

But until that happens I will continue to therefore I'm a liar....a big one.....


The Brainless Housewife :P

Monday, July 18, 2011

Procrastination- the world's worst scent

Name: The Brainless Housewife
Age: Mid 30's

I am a procrastinator, always have been, always will be.  I am a procrastinator...a big one. I start out with the best intentions. I always say to myself, "not this time, we are going to plan accordingly, no craziness, no frenzy" and it never works. I must be addicted to the thrill. The thrill of seeing how much I can clean, cook, prepare, etc. etc. in one hour before company arrives or we have to be somewhere. 

Now don't get me wrong, I don't have procrastination issues when it comes to my children: schoolwork, being on time to school, and other activities. If anything, I am adamant that they do things on time and always be early. I don't want to leave them this "procrastination" legacy. It seems that I can't get it together when it comes to me, myself, and I. As I write this I'm procrastinating on my laundry, housework, organizing my mudroom, putting away winter clothes, etc. etc. 

Distraction + Procrastination = Frenzied Brainless Housewife

They should have a procrastination rehab for those of us with this problem. It could be taught by someone who is super organized. Maybe I could kick this problem once and for all! Ah Hell, who am I kidding?? I'd probably get there late! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!


The Brainless Housewife :P

Monday, July 11, 2011


Grateful is the word of the day, word of the week, the word of my life. I am grateful. Grateful for my children, my family, and our safety. Friday we were involved in a car accident. Thankfully we are safe and the other driver is safe as well. I am grateful that we walked away with our health and our lives. My kids are my life. They are sweet, smart, lovable, and drive me crazy at times, but they are all mine. I can't imagine a day without them. Sometimes it takes an event like this to make you appreciate everyone and everything you have. 

So I am grateful.....always.


The Brainless Housewife :P

Thursday, July 7, 2011

5 things for my DH to follow

Oh DH, this list is for you. I never thought I could love someone so much that pisses me off on a regular basis. If you are willing to follow these 5 things, you just might do the impossible-have a happy wife!

1. Do the dishes every once in a while, (weekly would be nice) not just washing what you need for whatever concoction you are making at the moment (that I will eventually have to clean up).

2. Stop pretending you don't see the mess "your children" have made in living room, bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, etc.

3. Trying being on my side once in a while. Being the good guy is not all its cracked up to be. It would be nice if they disliked us equally.

4. When you say, "You want to see a better way to do that or I do it like this or You really like this?" in regards to my cooking, child rearing, driving, shows I watch, etc. I take it as criticism. When you criticize, it pisses me off. When I get pissed off, I don't feel sexy. And when I don't feel sexy, I won't respond to your 3 am poke....yeah I said it.

5. Just do what I say and learn to read my mind. This whole explaining what I want and how I want is EXHAUSTING!!!! Are you new? We've been together more than a decade! Get with the program!


The Brainless Housewife :P

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Beware of the insult disguised as a compliment

Recently, I had a family gathering at my house and an older cousin (my Godmother's sister who is visiting) came over. It had been three years and I was so excited to see her. But the excitement was short lived....

After we sat down on the patio we talked and talked. She admired how much the kids had grown and complimented my home. Then she started to compliment me...well sort of:

"You lost so much weight (which I haven't), You look great! Because the last time I saw you, {Wait For It} You were so FAT! I would just look at you and say to myself, She is so fat! She will never lost that weight!" 

Can someone give me an O, M, and G??? My mouth fell open....then she preceded to say it at least five more times in different ways like,

 "Your butt is big but not as big as the last time I saw you, it was huge!" 

And my personal favorite, 

"If you start walking you can finish trimming down that muffin top, but you've done a good job so far because the last time I saw you it looked like you were pregnant"

I couldn't respond, I just sat there thinking, "Is she drunk? High? Crazy?" Before I could begin to form words, my Godmother stepped in and said, 

"She is beautiful, always has been. Her body is beautiful, and besides you are just jealous cause she looks like me!" 

My older cousin replied with, 

"And did she come out modest like you too?" 

LMAO! I excused myself from the sibling war of words and served myself a pina colada and added lots of rum....Lots....

So what do you do when you are presented with an compliment that is disguised as an insult? Do you respond? Stay quiet? Or serve yourself a really big drink?


The Brainless Housewife :P

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Panic at the Suburban Mall!

Panic on the streets of London, Panic on the streets of Birmingham....I just love The Smiths, however if I had the chance I'd add the line to "Panic at the suburban mall" I took my kids to see Cars 2 on opening day. It was the first showing, got there early, what could go wrong?? 

Well first of all, the theater was filthy...I mean like last showing filthy. I was freaking out thinking of all the bed bugs, lice, and other germs we could contract. I wanted to leave so bad ...but my kids would have had the grand puba of all meltdowns. Second of all, everyone and their mother showed up, there was not a seat left. With the filth and all the people, I felt the walls closing in on me. Third of all, after asking my minions (that is my boys new names) a billion times if they had to go to the bathroom, they both decide in the middle of the movie they just HAD to pee. UGH!

I can't even tell you what the movie was about because between the potty breaks and worrying if we contracted lice, bed bugs, or some infectious disease, I did not pay attention. The movie was finally over and as we left the theater (which is in the middle of the town mall) I was in shock. There were so many people it looked like Black Friday or the day before Christmas Eve. I was totally not prepared for this. As I tried to navigate through the crowd I held my kids hands tighter and tighter. I felt panic setting in-chest pounding, dizziness, sweating, the works. They had no idea how freaked out I was because when we got home I let them play the Wii so I could recuperate. 

So what did I learn from all this? Never see a movie on opening day, always carry a plastic tarp, and always park closest to the exit. 


The Brainless Housewife :P

Friday, July 1, 2011

School is out for summer and so is my sanity!!!!

As of Thursday, June 23 at approximately 11:30 am, summer vacation had begun and so did the end of my sanity. Two kids + rainy days + summer vacation = Mommy screaming, "Calgon take me away!!!!" They have had me in such a frenzy that I haven't been able to blog...Stop the INSANITY!!!!!

The constant fighting, arguing, screaming, yelling, teasing, and farting games has me at the brink. Boys are wild, crazy, and impulsive. They don't listen, they get an idea in their head and go for it. It seems like all I do is say (scream), "No, Stop that, Sit down, Leave your brother alone, Why did you hit him, Don't fart on him", etc. etc. By the end of the night I'm exhausted. Not to mention the tons of guilt I feel for being "so mean" which I happen to wash down with lots of clear liquid and cheesecake.

Hopefully we will get into a better routine and I won't have to go to the asylum...not just yet anyway. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel....I just received Toys R Us Back to School catalog! LOL!


The Brainless Housewife :P